You write letters to request information, request action, provide information or describe an event, decline a request, and express appreciation.

In this article, you will learn about two approaches to letter writing, the Blame Approach and the Story-Telling Approach. You will learn the difference between business letters and therapeutic letters - and why you should never send therapeutic letters to the school.

Because you want your letters to create a good first impression, read our companion article, 12 Rules for Writing Great Letters.

We strongly recommend that you read the original Letter to the Stranger by Pete Wright and Janie Bowman. You will meet the panicked parents who wrote an angry letter to the school. After a cooling-off period, the parents wrote a very different letter. The original Letter to the Stranger teaches you how strong emotions affect people -- especially parents. You will also meet "the Stranger" and learn how he reacted to these two letters. 

Letter Writing and the Need to DO SOMETHING!

When parents fire off a letter to the school, they are usually in the middle of a crisis that involves their child. At that moment, they want to DO SOMETHING. They may be trying to right a wrong or protect their child from harm. Sometimes, parents write angry letters after a series of bad experiences or incidents that have occurred over a period months or years. 

Before you send a strongly worded letter to the school, it is important for you to keep several things in mind. First, after you send a letter to the school, it is out of your hands forever. You can never change it!

Second, your letter will be read by strangers. Schools are bureaucracies. In many cases, important decisions will be made by administrators who are a level or two above your contact person. These administrators don’t know you or your child. They don’t know the "history" behind your letter. 

Third, no one will wade through a long letter to a nugget of gold. This means that you have to capture the reader’s interest and attention within the first few sentences. If you don’t capture the reader’s interest quickly, the reader will skim a page or two and put your letter away. 

Fourth, your letter is a personal statement about you and your situation. What are you saying about yourself if you give in to the urge to DO SOMETHING and write an angry, threatening, or demanding letter? The decision-making strangers who make decisions in the school bureaucracy don’t know or care that this was the last straw or that the letter is the culmination of many negative experiences. A letter gives you an opportunity to make an impression and tell your side of the story. You need to think about the impression you want to make on the stranger. Do you want the stranger to see you as an angry, negative complainer? Or, do you want the stranger to see you as a rational, thoughtful parent who is expressing valid concerns? 

Two Approaches to Writing Letters:  The Blame Approach v. the Story Telling Approach

The Blame Approach

At the beginning of this section on Tactics, you read about Marc’s situation. You saw the parents’ original angry letter and their subsequent Letter to the Stranger. Let’s look at letters written by two fathers. The first letter was written by a father after he attended an IEP meeting for his daughter.

When Bob wrote this letter, he was steamed. He knew he had to give the school system "legal notice" about his objections to their proposed IEP. Because he felt defensive, he included every conceivable objection to the IEP in his letter – from serious to trivial. Earlier, Bob had been accused of not advising the school system specifically about his objections to their IEP. Bob was going to let that happen again. 

Unfortunately, when a stranger (like you) reads Bob’s letter, the stranger doesn’t know about this history. Bob’s letter creates a feeling of sympathy for the people who receive the letter. Why is this? 

Most of us have seen people arguing in public. You’ve probably seen couples arguing or a parent disciplining a child. What was your reaction? If you’re like most people, you felt uncomfortable. Maybe you had an even stronger emotional reaction. You didn’t like it. You felt sympathy toward the child or adult who was being confronted or humiliated. 

People have the same reactions when they read letters. 

The Story-Telling Approach

Let’s take a look at another letter. This letter was written by another father who just got back from an IEP meeting:

When you read Jim’s letter, did you realize that his letter dealt with the same facts as Bob’s letter? Both letters describe the same IEP meeting for a child. Both letters mention several serious violations made by the school when they developed the child’s IEP. In both cases, the parent was presented with an IEP that pre-determined the child’s program and placement. The parents had little or no real input into the IEP and were expected to sign it. In both cases, the child was tested by an independent evaluator. In both cases, the new test results (which showed minimal progress in the existing program) weren’t included in the child’s IEP. In both cases, the child’s teachers did not attend the IEP meeting. 

Your goal is to write diplomatic "Mr. Manners" letters. List the problems but keep your tone pleasant and businesslike. The facts in these letters are important. Jim lays out his facts without blaming or name-calling. If Jim needs to go further – to a mediator, a hearing officer, or a judge, he’ll be in good shape. 

If Bob has to take his case to an outside decision-maker, he’ll be in trouble. Bob’s letter is filled with angry, blaming statements. He didn’t include any information to help the stranger understand the background. The tone of his letter will alienate any neutral decision-maker – mediator, hearing officer, or judge. 

The "Sympathy Factor"

If you’re tempted to write an angry letter to the school, realize that you may trigger the Sympathy Factor. This sympathy will not be for you or your child. When people read angry, sarcastic or threatening letters, they have a sympathetic response to the person who receives the letter. This is what happened with Bob’s letter. 

"Why?" you ask. 

At some point in our lives, most of us have received an angry letter. Your letter may have come from a jilted lover, an ex-spouse, an angry relative, a creditor, or the IRS. When you read your letter, you felt threatened, guilty, ashamed, and angry. Later, you filed these negative emotions away in your emotional memory bank. 

If you read an angry letter, it will evoke a feeling of sympathy for the recipient. Based on your own experiences, you will think that the recipient didn’t deserve to be attacked. Instead, you’ll think: "Well, maybe the person made a mistake - but we all make mistakes. After all, no one’s perfect." From the perspective of the stranger, the fact that someone makes a mistake doesn’t give you an excuse to attack. 

First Impressions are Lasting Impressions

In writing letters to the school, you must understand that your letter will be read by people who don’t know you. Remember, you are dealing with a bureaucracy – which means that teachers, guidance counselors, and assistant principals probably don’t have the authority to make important decisions. You are writing your letter to strangers in the system who do have power. 

In your letter, you are introducing yourself to strangers who are also decision-makers. After reading your letter, these strangers will form an impression of you. If their first reaction is negative, they won’t be able to accept positive information about you later. You’ll have a hard time "rehabilitating" yourself in their eyes. 

This is what happened to Bob. After Bob fired off his letter, the school went into a defensive mode. From their perspective, if they gave Bob anything he asked for, they would be admitting that he was right – and that they FAILED to educate his child. The school had a different perspective. They didn’t agree with the father’s analysis - that they FAILED to provide his daughter with an appropriate education. What happened? 

The school wrote a pleasant non-committal letter back to Bob. In this letter, they explained that they disagreed with him but were willing to meet with him to resolve their differences. They offered several meeting times. The tone of their letter was pleasant and businesslike. When Bob didn’t respond, they filed his letter away. Nothing changed about his daughter’s education. 

Later, Bob requested a Due Process Hearing. The school district submitted this and several similar letters as exhibits in their case. Why? The school wanted the Hearing Officer to see Bob from their perspective and conclude that he was a jerk. The underlying message was that although Bob was a "difficult parent," they were prepared to provide his daughter with an excellent education. They succeeded! 

There is a moral to this story. If the first impression you create is negative, you increase the odds that you will lose the battle and the war. Strangers who read your negative letter will write you off as a "loose cannon." They’ll probably feel sorry for your child: "That poor kid. No wonder he has so many problems. Can you imagine how hard it must be to live with such a crazy parent!" 

This is not the outcome you want. 

 Example

Let’s look at a problem and decide how you can document the problem.

Background. The principal wrote a letter advising that he is suspending your child for three days next week for the offense of being late to class. Earlier, you attended a meeting at the school to develop an IEP. After the principal wrote the letter, the school didn’t get around to sending the letter until the day of your meeting. When you went to the IEP meeting, no one mentioned the letter. You didn’t know that there was a letter. A day later, you receive this letter about suspending your child from school. You’re angry that no one mentioned the letter or the suspension during the meeting. 

Don’t say it! 

Instead, write a letter:

You don’t belabor the absurdities about how the situation was handled. You don’t make judgments. Instead, you lay out facts by providing enough information that Strangers will be able to "fill in the blanks" with their personal experiences and imagination. 

The Story Telling Approach is fear more powerful and effective than the Blame Approach. If you don’t judge or attack overtly, you minimize the risk of evoking the Sympathy Response. 

"Therapeutic Letters"

Writing letters can be therapeutic. The writing process can help you get things off your chest and deal with frustrations. You can tell THEM whatever you WANT! 

NEVER send "therapeutic letters!"

There’s a big difference between "therapeutic letters" and business letters. In a business letter, you are writing to make a point, clarify an event, make a request, and create a paper trail. Therapeutic letters can form the basis of a journal or diary. People who go through difficult times often find that a journal or diary helps them during the crisis. 

Two approaches to letters, the Blame Approach and the Story-Telling Approach. The Sympathy Factor, importance of first impressions. Difference between business letters and therapeutic letters, you never send therapeutic letters. 

12 Rules for Writing Effective Letters

Read 12 Rules for Writing Effective Letters. If you follow these Rules, you make it more likely that you will get the relief you want. 

1. Before you write a letter, answer WHY and WHAT. 

2. First letters are always drafts. 

3. Allow time for "cooling off’ and revisions. 

4. You are always negotiating for services. 

5. Never threaten. Never telegraph your punches. 

6. Assume that you won’t be able to resolve your dispute, that the dispute will escalate, that a special education due process hearing will be held, and that you won’t be able to testify or tell your side of the story. 

7. Make your problem unique. 

8. You ARE writing letters to a Stranger. You are NOT writing letters to the school. 

9. You ARE writing business letters. When you write business letters, you DO use tactics and strategy (your brain). You DON’T ventilate anger or frustration (your emotions). 

10. NEVER make judgments. 

11. You are telling a story. Write your letter chronologically. Don’t broach the main issue in the first paragraph of the letter. 

12. Write letters that are clear and easy to understand. Make your letters clear, short, alive, and right. 

Using Letters to Open the Door to Better Services

Do you want to open the door to better services for your child, or do you want to shoot yourself in the foot and damage your child in the process because your letter backfired?

Now that you have read our primer on writing letters, continue your learning process. In Wrightslaw: From Emotions to Advocacy (FETA) read Chapter 22 "Creating Paper Trails," Chapter 23 "How to Write Good Evidence Letters," and Chapter 24 "Writing the 'Letter to the Stranger,'" and the Sample Letters at the end of Chapters 23 and 24. With a little practice, you will become the expert on writing effective and powerful letters.

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Additional
Resources

LetterExpert, a web site in Great Britain, offers a unique reference point on writing letters about everything to anybody. Whether you want to complain, send a fan letter, create a love letter, report a crime or deliver some news, this site will help you. Go to:
http://www.letterexpert.co.uk